


Episodes That Should Have Been Made...But Weren’t

by Alicia Ann Fox (oracne)



Category: Blake's 7
Genre: F/F, F/M, Humor, M/M, Multi, raunchiness
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-10-23
Updated: 2012-10-23
Packaged: 2017-11-16 22:06:34
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 919
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/544344
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/oracne/pseuds/Alicia%20Ann%20Fox
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Blake's 7 Episodes That Should Have Been Made...But Weren’t</p>
            </blockquote>





	Episodes That Should Have Been Made...But Weren’t

By Oliver Klosov and Buster Hymen

“Luscious in Leather”  
Mad days after locating the Fabulous Wardrobe Room, Avon’s inner thighs and family heirlooms become dangerously inflamed from the chafing of new leather pants, and Blake must apply a soothing poultice.

“Sucks To You”  
Vila becomes a vampire™ and, driven by addiction, forces Avon to drink gallons of adrenaline-and-soma before Vila feeds. Avon goes along until Vila’s fangs puncture a condom and he decides the affair has gone too far. Only after Vila nearly dies from Gan’s homemade Italian food does Avon gain the courage to kick his beloved blood-buddy off the bottle.

“Desperate Measures”  
In this thrilling sequel to “Sucks to You,” Jenna is fatally injured while using a Liberator gun for a vibrator, and must be seized from death’s cold grip by Vila, who makes her into a vampire like himself.

“If You Took the Bones Out...”  
In their first passionate encounter, Blake’s nerves drive him to gnaw Avon’s fingers as well as his own...and he gnaws two of them off. Their long, arduous reconciliation is spiced with the knowledge that they will always have each other; the climax of the episode comes when Blake presents his only love with new fingers made from herculaneum and fitted with tarial inputs.

“From Avon, With Love”  
Avon makes a solo raid on a top-secret Federation facility to obtain Space-Rogaine-800 for Vila’s birthday. Vila mistakenly takes the wonder-drug internally, resulting in mutation. An initially distraught Avon later grows to love Vila’s furry throat.

“No Limit”  
Unable to consumate his love for Jenna, Zen instead pleasures her by proxy, demonstrating that a special frequency can be aimed at Gan’s limiter, which causes his entire body to vibrate. The indebted couple name their first child “Zennie.”

“One-hand Job”  
Travis, suffering from mechanical envy, falls headlong for Dr. Strangelove, but gets dumped within the week. Despairing, he throws himself into a vortex, but instead of meeting his death, he arrives on the starship Enterprise, where he meets the love of his life, Mr. Data. Data cures Travis’s insanity, his obsession with Blake, and his anger at Servalan with generous and caring utilization of his AC/DC switch and reset button.

“Size Doesn’t Matter”  
Marooned on the planet Stalin, Blake is captured by locals who believe that sleeve-width mirrors potency. While imprisoned in a brothel™, Blake comes to believe this as well, but is at last rescued by his crew. Jenna then leads an uphill battle against voracious appetites Blake’s body cannot possibly fulfill.

“Big Enough for Two Men”  
When Vila requires a liver transplant, Gan volunteers, saying “I can live with just one, for you, Vila.” Vila must live with the knowledge that his friend gave up his life for him, and only comes to terms with his grief when Cally tells him the Auron tale of Doggie Heaven.

“You Only Hurt the One You Love”  
Avon encounters Dayna for the first time and engages in consensual acts with her that lead to his near-fatal injury. Dayna, heartbroken but not psychologically damaged by her faux pas, devotes her life to assuaging his hurts with essential oils.

“Play Hardball”  
Tarrant, suffering from priapism and the subsequent ridicule of his crewmates, teleports down alone to a planet whose inhabitants, to his delight, make a fertility god of him. Unfortunately, a month later, he is nearly thrown naked into a volcano. Rescued by Servalan, who has been accidentally marooned, he is astonished when she demands his All. He only manages to escape (assets intact) with the help of Vila, who takes over at a critical moment and later informs Tarrant that Orac had a cure all the time.

“Dark Night of the Soul”  
Servalan breaks a nail. She is alone, alone, alone in the cavernous emptiness of Space Command. Then, in the men’s bathroom, she encounters a Young God, whose gentle but thorough attentions help her make it through the night.

“Hard Copy: Anna/Sula”  
The real reason Avon killed Anna is revealed in a Federation-wide exposé: she gave him space-crabs. The entire crew of the Liberator refuses point-blank to comfort him.

“Unfortunately Not Rumours”  
Cally survives the plague on Auron only to come down with a yeast infection; Tarrant suffers from a breakout of acne as Dayna attempts to kill him during an episode of PMS; and Avon suffers from impotency (why do you think they called him “Shrinker?”). After Zen is forced to comfort all, Vila is attacked by dandruff, only to be told by Avon, “Be glad that you have enough hair left to produce messy white flakes,” and the suffering ends with smiles.

“In the Attic”  
Far from dying at Star One, Travis makes a long recovery and takes a job in a brothel (TM) to make ends meet. However, when love oils short out his popular mechanical arm, he sinks to sleeping on the streets of Freedom City. Fortunately for Travis, he is taken in by a wealthy casino employee named Toise. Toise lives up to his name, and he and Travis live happily ever after.

“Naked and Far From Home”  
Avon is held prisoner in a brothel(TM), and thanks to one too many snide comments, he is left there to rot by his beloved crewmates. The anguished Avon gradually comes to terms with his fate, and makes new friends among his comrades in Madame Bazoomba’s House O’ Fun, including Hugh G. Rection, Doozie MacFloozie, Dippity Foofa, and the members of the house band, Throbbing Purple Pneumatic Drill of Luv.


End file.
